The Night Before Go-Live

SQL Server Magazine Innovator Award winner Michael Metcalf submitted the following poem as a gift for IT folks who are working hard to finish end-of-year projects. For more fun with holiday parodies, see Brian Moran's "A Visit from DBA Nick" at InstantDoc ID 94676. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

Twas the night before go-live, when all through IT
Not a user was stirring, not even a techie.
The code was all copied to the server with care,
In hopes it would execute nary a snare.

The business users were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of spreadsheets danced in their heads.

And the PM with their papers, and I with my crackberry,

Had just packed up our stuff to leave in a hurry.

When out in the lobby there arose such a noise,

I thought it was the custodians, with their cleaning toys.

Away to the entrance I walked in flash,

Hit the touchpad to exit, and for the door I dashed.

The fluorescent lights gave off a glow

That seemed to shine the slate floor below.

When, what to my bleary eyes did I see,

But the software vendor, and eight tiny consultees.

With a line of BS so clever and quick,

He introduced himself, VP, MCSE, Nick.

More rapid than patches, his minions they came,

And he hooted and hollered, and called them by name!

“Now Deployer, now, Developer, now, SME’s one and two!

On, Salesman, On, Legal, on billable lackies with nothing to do!

To the top of the budget! To the top of the management hierarchy!

Now change away! Change away! And do it real snarky!”

As UAT had completed and all paperwork had been filed,

The last thing I wanted was to be riled.

So back to my desk, I snuck back in hiccup,

Wasn’t letting any fool touch anything without a backup.

And then, with a clicking, I heard from afar

the typing and mousing of each overpaid star.

As I got myself together to head for the stair,

Down the hall came Nick with a glazed over glare.

He was dressed in a suit, from his head to his feet,

And his attaché was bulging with glossies and diagram sheets.

A bundle of code changes and cheap vendor swag,

was also rearing its head from his overpriced bag.

His stare, how soulless! His smile how scary!

He promised he’d have my app ready by Feb’rary!

His droll little mouth was drawn out like sow,

And his team wanted access to prod and wanted it now.

The Bluetooth headset that hung from his ear,

Let me know that a call to his manager soon would be near.

He had a broad agenda yet not a single clue

Of the havoc his SMEs would ultimately do.

SME #1 was a chump, a sloppy young kid,

I laughed when I saw him. He called himself Sid.

SME #2 kept scratching his head,

Soon let me to know that my app would be dead.

Armed with CD’s and signed NDA’s

They started changing our code, and there was nothing I could say.

And laying a finger aside of a mouse,

He was one click away from having my app soused.

The billable hours were up, my budget was spent,

They now left me with crap, and boy was I bent.

But I heard Nick exclaim as he got out of my sight,

“Happy Go-Live to you, our code is air-tight!”

-- Mike Metcalf